I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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