They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
