Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
