fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
