I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
