my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
