Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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