He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
