Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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