living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So much Jack, so little girl.
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