mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
