Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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