I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
