I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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