i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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