Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
