Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
