Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
