I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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