Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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