Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
