My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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