yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
