listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
mondays should just be called national damage control day
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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