so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
