I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
