Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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