I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
