what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
