in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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