this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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