i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
