I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
