Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
