I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
