2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
