I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
