Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
