I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
