to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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