apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
