Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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