I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
