I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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