I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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