All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
