Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The power of my boobs compel you
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize