I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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