i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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