Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize