Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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