my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
