So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my shit smells like andre
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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