I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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