i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
