I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pants are for mortals
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
