i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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