i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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