Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So many bounce houses so little time
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
