you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
